Starting a new project is never a problem for me. I get excited, I jump in… And then it hits. The “This isn’t going exactly how I planned it would, so I must not be able to do it like I think I can.” attitude.
It’s not that things go wrong, or that they are a mess. It’s just that I had this idea in my head of how they would go, and the reality is not what I imagined. I don’t give up, I just put off. “Not today.” “Maybe in an hour.” “After I’ve watched an episode of (really any TV series, let’s be honest).” If the train is crowded and I can’t get a seat, that is why I’m not writing. If the train isn’t crowded and I do get a seat, then it’s because it’s too tricky to balance the net book on my lap. That’s legit, right? I’ll just read instead.
The problem with that is that I never give up on goals, I just also don’t always achieve them. I’m not a quitter, I’m a lose-winder. The project isn’t thrown out, it’s just something I’ll get to later.
I over plan, plan to the point where there is no way I can possibly keep to the schedule I’ve made for myself; and then I get disappointed with myself. “If you did this better this wouldn’t be a problem.” is a common sentence I say to myself. It’s also a wrong sentence, but it’s there. either way.
How do you combat this? I’m not 100% sure. I know it’s a process, and one I’m in the middle of. I know having a partner who tells me that voice is wrong is definitely helping. I know that it’s something I’m having to decide to do for myself, and something I’ll probably always be working on. I also know it’s something I don’t want to pass on to children in the future.
I feel like that is what all of my goals right now are, things I don’t want to pass on to future generations. I want to be healthier, both mentally and physically; I want to follow through on things and not get discouraged. That is what my writing and my personal training are about: breaking through the problem of planning, and moving towards a slightly more spontaneous future. Let’s not get too crazy though…
Thanks for joining me.