This morning is the first time since I’ve started my blogging schedule that I am truly “ahead”. I wrote four posts yesterday, one that I published and three that are in the queue. I know this makes me sound like a loon, but it’s so incredibly freeing! To know that I can wake up and write whatever I want, be it blog post or work on one of my two book projects, is an amazing feeling. There is still a self-imposed deadline, but it no longer feels looming and angry.
I am the worst kind of psyche, the kind that is very motivated until you tell me I have to be motivated. What do I mean by that? I’m an avid reader. I love it and I always have, but as soon as I have to read a book (for class, someone lends me a book…) I immediately no longer want to read that book. This happened to me in high school a lot; to the point I have no idea how I got a high mark in my advanced English class, it must have just been from showing up and notes. I read maybe 3 of the assigned books for the year my senior year.
I worried about this mentality when I created my posting schedule, I worried I’d shut down and stop posting completely after a week or two. I’m in week two, so there is still time for it, but I don’t think that time will come. Why? Because I’ve worked ahead. I’ve taken off the pressure to be witty and amazing with every post (let’s face it, most of these are neither), and I’ve got some posts that are just sitting in my queue for days I feel less inspired. I’m writing this now not knowing if it will be my post for the week, or one I keep stored away for a rainy day, and that is an amazing feeling.
I’m most competitive with myself, and today I’ve won a small victory. It’s not the kind that means a lot to others, but it’s one that means a lot to myself. I’ve beaten my problem of anxiety in a small way in one area of my life.
That is a beautiful feeling.