Relying on I
Something I was really hit with on Sunday is my reliance on I.
In pre-marital counseling, we were taught to use I statements. This is so you don’t blame your feelings on someone else, and also to help the conversation be productive instead of name calling. This is the hardest thing ever when you are in the middle of a disagreement or fight. It goes something along the lines of, “I feel… because I hear…” (This is not an exact example.)
We are taught not to use the passive voice in writing, because it has become so prevalent in our culture that it is the norm. The ball was thrown, but who threw the ball? I did. We don’t want to own our opinions in case someone else disagrees, but we want to voice them for all to hear.
We live in a culture where we don’t want to own up to our mistakes, but want to brag at every victory.
Yet when I pray I hear: I will beat the cycle of abuse I was raised in. I just need to get over how so and so hurt me. I will let God take care of things. I will choose to believe He can. I will do this or that…
I leave very little room for faith in God and His ability to heal or change things.
I’ve had a few health struggles lately, as have some of my friends. One in particular keeps trying to encourage me with statements like, “God can heal you and He will! We will have healing in His victory!”
This has been hard on me spiritually for so many reasons. For starters, why should the God of the universe care if I’m uncomfortable? I understand why He would care about injustice, or my death, but discomfort? Meh. He has bigger things to care about. Also, why should I assume healing is His plan for me? I’ve not heard him say that to me.
Here’s what I’ve realized though. God doesn’t have a limited to His attention and love. His love is infinite, He cares about everyone all at once. Him caring about my health does not detract from Him caring about someone else’s. He is not Superman, He is bigger and stronger than that. He can be two places at once. He is all the places at once. The God I worship is the God who created the universe. He knows all I have done and will do. He is intricately weaved into every breath I take. As for why should I assume healing is His plan for me, I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t assume that, but I should take comfort in the fact that He can. I should not doubt His love for me. I should not doubt that whatever happens it is His will and based on my decisions as a creature of free will. Should i discount her words as trite or cliche? Nope. Maybe she is how God is choosing to speak to me in all of this. She is confident she has heard Him say it of her, and probably me or she wouldn’t be telling me that. Why shouldn’t I believe in her and her ability to hear God’s voice? I know this woman to be a strong woman after His heart.
Have I done anything to cause my health decline? Not really. Can I fix it? Nope. I can do things to help, but really only my Creator can choose to fully heal me. Am I guaranteed that will be here on Earth? Nope. Should I be sad if it isn’t? Not at all.
I want to be more than the culture I’m surrounded by. I want to surrender to God, and let Him lead me in His ways. I want to believe He loves me like the adopted child I know I am to Him. I want to believe His love is so great that he cares if I get a paper cut. And you know what? I’ve never had a paper cut He hasn’t healed.